I am going on 42 years old in a couple of months, so when I was raised, a bit of a different approach was used. In Junior High, they still had the paddle in the office for kids who made bad choices. Parents and Grandparents alike not only required children to live up to a certain moral standard, but enforced that standard with impunity.
When you did wrong, there were consequences.
Then, things changed for some reason. We seem to live in a world today where parents and school officials may not lay hands on children like they did 'back in the day', and where children must be talked to using kinder and gentler language. There are schools that have lost control of the children they teach because there doesn't seem to be repercussions for the students acting out and not following standards. Kids don't care if they are suspended, and they stand up to their parents more than in previous generations because the parents don't really have any power over their children to stop the immature behaviors.
Couple that with a coddling that seems to have become a norm in recent years. My oldest child was in an advanced math class a few years ago where she found herself bored almost every day because the teacher would not move on in the curriculum until everyone in the class understood the subject matter. It was an all or nothing approach. What happened to individuals being able to excel and prove themselves while others who don't have the drive have to deal with the consequences of failure?
Children joining sports these days are provided with a message stating that everyone is a winner. Many programs provide small trophies to all participants. That is all fine and dandy, but children need to learn at an early age what failure is and how failure can drive a person to try harder to excel. If you don't experience failure, you don't have the incentive to practice harder. Granted competitive sports start and they teach those things, but they begin the teaching at a much older age than in past generations.
I play games with my youngest and I let her win at times, but I also let her lose so that she can learn that feeling and grow from it. Letting them win all of the time leads to a culture shock when they get to an age when winning matters in sports and life.
Teens treat their parents so much worse than in past generations. They get grounded but leave the house anyway because the parents don't have any recourse. They understand the bounds within which they must live in order to remain in control and they drive the relationship with the parents instead of the parents driving the relationship with the teens.
It shouldn't be this way, but it is. Now, I'm not saying I am in favor of parents and school officials beating children. Don't take my message in the wrong way. What I am saying is that the manner in which we raise our children as a society needs to change in my humble opinion.
I have raised my children and ensured that they have opportunities afforded to them that my wife and I never had when we were children. Almost every extra cent that I have after bills are paid goes to my children's extra curricular activities. My children have been in dance, theater, POMS, horseback riding lessons, gymnastics, speech, choir, Madrigals, soccer, swimming, voice lessons, and more. I want them to have opportunities to experience things I didn't have the opportunity to experience, and to be able to make decisions on what they want to do with their futures based on their experiences throughout their childhoods.
What comes along with that, however, is a constant struggle with keeping your children grounded and ensuring they understand that what they get to do is not necessary, but offers them opportunities my wife and I are affording them for their futures. We need to ensure they don't get an entitlement mentality, understand that they have to work for everything they have, and need to appreciate the luxuries they are afforded in life. My oldest was given a car by my wife and I when she turned 16. She is too busy for a job with all of her extra curricular activities, so we pay for gas, insurance, etc. She has a cell phone, gets to go on expensive family vacations, and wants for nothing.
It is hard to ensure the children understand that what they have is luxury and not necessity. That, in many cases where children fly off the rails in their teen years, is part of the problem. Parents lose sight of providing the proper perspective to their children and those children end up with entitlement mentalities.
College is a very difficult concept for parents to wrap their heads around when it comes to their children. You want your children to get the best educations they can, but when you look at the great schools, and the lack of scholarship money out there, a devastating reality sets in. I have a college fund for each of my children, and depending upon where they go to school, I most certainly won't be able to cover the full bill. If my oldest attends a Community College, I will be able to pay for her full education start to finish, but her opportunities will be limited after graduation. If she attends a school like Illinois State University I can afford probably half of her education, or 2 full years. If she attends any of the major schools she is very interested in, I can afford to cover maybe 1 full year of school (as many are in the 60+ thousand dollar per year range) for my daughter. Then 9 years later I will be in the same boat with my youngest.
What my contribution as the parent and any scholarship money doesn't cover is going to need to be a student loan, and student loans are not as interest friendly as they used to be years ago. Students graduate and end up with $1000+ per month student loan bills to begin paying off after their initial deferment period is up...which is why many children end up moving back in with their parents after graduation while they begin paying off their debt and looking for that long term career that will hopefully be the payoff they went to school to attain.
I feel my only bit of advice to give to other parents or soon to be parents out there is this:
Raise your children to understand the worth of everything in their lives. Raise them to a moral standard you expect them to live to as adults. Work through the hard times with them, loving them constantly but providing hard love when necessary to drive home their learnings. Know that they may say things they don't truly mean, and you cannot as a parent take those things personal. Those things will come out when you ground them, take away their phones or provide other punishments for them doing the things they know not to do. Know as a parent that providing them the right foundation in life is so very important, even when its uncomfortable.
There will come a day when they look back and thank you and appreciate you for the hard love you provided at times. Most of all, and this comes from a parent who is a friend of many teachers and who has a wife who has worked in the school system many years, understand that learning does not start and end at the front door of the school. It is as much your job as parents to ensure your children are learning what they need to learn in life as it is the school's job. Sit with your children, help them with their homework, play educational games with them, do hooked on phonics or math with them, help them through hard times, and as they get older (and you as a parent cannot help them with homework any longer...lol), work with them so they can get any help they need from their counselors and teachers. Work with them to foster an environment where they become empowered individuals who take control of their own lives to ensure they succeed.
In the end, it's all about love...soft love and hard love. It is easy at times, and extremely difficult at other times. The pay off as parents is to see your children grow into self-confident adults with great moral compasses and goals they drive to attain. Seeing that lets you know that when they become adults and have children, they will understand the importance of raising their children in the same way...and they just might give you a call and thank you for everything you did for them.
Dunk
When you did wrong, there were consequences.
Then, things changed for some reason. We seem to live in a world today where parents and school officials may not lay hands on children like they did 'back in the day', and where children must be talked to using kinder and gentler language. There are schools that have lost control of the children they teach because there doesn't seem to be repercussions for the students acting out and not following standards. Kids don't care if they are suspended, and they stand up to their parents more than in previous generations because the parents don't really have any power over their children to stop the immature behaviors.
Couple that with a coddling that seems to have become a norm in recent years. My oldest child was in an advanced math class a few years ago where she found herself bored almost every day because the teacher would not move on in the curriculum until everyone in the class understood the subject matter. It was an all or nothing approach. What happened to individuals being able to excel and prove themselves while others who don't have the drive have to deal with the consequences of failure?
Children joining sports these days are provided with a message stating that everyone is a winner. Many programs provide small trophies to all participants. That is all fine and dandy, but children need to learn at an early age what failure is and how failure can drive a person to try harder to excel. If you don't experience failure, you don't have the incentive to practice harder. Granted competitive sports start and they teach those things, but they begin the teaching at a much older age than in past generations.
I play games with my youngest and I let her win at times, but I also let her lose so that she can learn that feeling and grow from it. Letting them win all of the time leads to a culture shock when they get to an age when winning matters in sports and life.
Teens treat their parents so much worse than in past generations. They get grounded but leave the house anyway because the parents don't have any recourse. They understand the bounds within which they must live in order to remain in control and they drive the relationship with the parents instead of the parents driving the relationship with the teens.
It shouldn't be this way, but it is. Now, I'm not saying I am in favor of parents and school officials beating children. Don't take my message in the wrong way. What I am saying is that the manner in which we raise our children as a society needs to change in my humble opinion.
I have raised my children and ensured that they have opportunities afforded to them that my wife and I never had when we were children. Almost every extra cent that I have after bills are paid goes to my children's extra curricular activities. My children have been in dance, theater, POMS, horseback riding lessons, gymnastics, speech, choir, Madrigals, soccer, swimming, voice lessons, and more. I want them to have opportunities to experience things I didn't have the opportunity to experience, and to be able to make decisions on what they want to do with their futures based on their experiences throughout their childhoods.
What comes along with that, however, is a constant struggle with keeping your children grounded and ensuring they understand that what they get to do is not necessary, but offers them opportunities my wife and I are affording them for their futures. We need to ensure they don't get an entitlement mentality, understand that they have to work for everything they have, and need to appreciate the luxuries they are afforded in life. My oldest was given a car by my wife and I when she turned 16. She is too busy for a job with all of her extra curricular activities, so we pay for gas, insurance, etc. She has a cell phone, gets to go on expensive family vacations, and wants for nothing.
It is hard to ensure the children understand that what they have is luxury and not necessity. That, in many cases where children fly off the rails in their teen years, is part of the problem. Parents lose sight of providing the proper perspective to their children and those children end up with entitlement mentalities.
College is a very difficult concept for parents to wrap their heads around when it comes to their children. You want your children to get the best educations they can, but when you look at the great schools, and the lack of scholarship money out there, a devastating reality sets in. I have a college fund for each of my children, and depending upon where they go to school, I most certainly won't be able to cover the full bill. If my oldest attends a Community College, I will be able to pay for her full education start to finish, but her opportunities will be limited after graduation. If she attends a school like Illinois State University I can afford probably half of her education, or 2 full years. If she attends any of the major schools she is very interested in, I can afford to cover maybe 1 full year of school (as many are in the 60+ thousand dollar per year range) for my daughter. Then 9 years later I will be in the same boat with my youngest.
What my contribution as the parent and any scholarship money doesn't cover is going to need to be a student loan, and student loans are not as interest friendly as they used to be years ago. Students graduate and end up with $1000+ per month student loan bills to begin paying off after their initial deferment period is up...which is why many children end up moving back in with their parents after graduation while they begin paying off their debt and looking for that long term career that will hopefully be the payoff they went to school to attain.
I feel my only bit of advice to give to other parents or soon to be parents out there is this:
Raise your children to understand the worth of everything in their lives. Raise them to a moral standard you expect them to live to as adults. Work through the hard times with them, loving them constantly but providing hard love when necessary to drive home their learnings. Know that they may say things they don't truly mean, and you cannot as a parent take those things personal. Those things will come out when you ground them, take away their phones or provide other punishments for them doing the things they know not to do. Know as a parent that providing them the right foundation in life is so very important, even when its uncomfortable.
There will come a day when they look back and thank you and appreciate you for the hard love you provided at times. Most of all, and this comes from a parent who is a friend of many teachers and who has a wife who has worked in the school system many years, understand that learning does not start and end at the front door of the school. It is as much your job as parents to ensure your children are learning what they need to learn in life as it is the school's job. Sit with your children, help them with their homework, play educational games with them, do hooked on phonics or math with them, help them through hard times, and as they get older (and you as a parent cannot help them with homework any longer...lol), work with them so they can get any help they need from their counselors and teachers. Work with them to foster an environment where they become empowered individuals who take control of their own lives to ensure they succeed.
In the end, it's all about love...soft love and hard love. It is easy at times, and extremely difficult at other times. The pay off as parents is to see your children grow into self-confident adults with great moral compasses and goals they drive to attain. Seeing that lets you know that when they become adults and have children, they will understand the importance of raising their children in the same way...and they just might give you a call and thank you for everything you did for them.
Dunk
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