I wanted to break from the horrific Trump induced coma we have all been in and provide you some very helpful and interesting information. This blog is going to be a how-to blog on something we all have to worry about from time to time in our lives....how to get an elephant into a refrigerator.
I am going to break it up into easy to follow steps so that you can easily complete the task of getting an elephant into a refrigerator without error.
How to get an elephant into a refrigerator
Step-by-Step Instructions
1. Get an elephant. I know this may seem obvious to most of you, but I am going to go ahead and take the "lather, rinse, repeat" approach, because there are some people out there who just can't do anything unless you spell it out for them completely. You may find it difficult to get an elephant, especially if you live in a small apartment in a large city, but don't be a quitter. Find a way. Elephants may be fairly large, but think of it this way, a fully grown African Elephant can eat up to 300 pounds of food every day, and can also produce up to 300 pounds of dung each day. I'd worry more about the dung and food than I would about getting the elephant if I were you. See, there's a bright side. Getting the elephant is the best of the worst things about this entire journey you just embarked on.
2. Get a refrigerator. Yes, I am sure you already have a refrigerator, but I would like to recommend that you purchase a separate refrigerator into which the elephant you just got will enter. Otherwise your regular food and drink is likely to get consumed and/or destroyed by said elephant, and that would piss you off beyond belief. Being pissed off at a 12,000 pound elephant (Yes, you are still learning here. The average fully grown African elephant is about 12,000 pounds) is probably not the most advantageous choice to make in life. You really need to concentrate on keeping the elephant happy. Does that add another step to this process? Shit, I guess it does...
3. Keep the elephant happy. While writing this instruction manual on how to get an elephant into a refrigerator, I realized that one of the steps in the process really needs to involve keeping the elephant happy, because an unhappy elephant can cause quite a bit of damage to a home or an apartment. Keeping the elephant happy will involve keeping it fed, cleaning up its dung, giving it a watering hole to roll around in (I would not recommend your bathtub), and finding it a mate. Shit, did I just add another damn step to this process? Ugh....
4. Get another elephant. Ok, this step should really be easy because it's kind of a repeat of step one in a way, but with a twist. First, you need to find out what gender your original elephant is. Then talk to the original elephant and find out what they are really looking for in a mate. After all, this second elephant isn't for you, it is to keep your refrigerator entering elephant happy until you are ready to get the elephant into the refrigerator by following the few basic steps involved in the process. Oh crap, I said talk to the elephant didn't I? ...
5. Learn to speak elephant. This really should be step 4, as I identified in step 4 that you should talk to your original elephant to find out what type of elephant mate he or she wanted, but then I realized that you probably don't know how to speak to an elephant. So here we are, going to school to learn elephant. I swear this process is going to be so easy as long as you just follow along with it and don't skip any steps. It may take some time to learn how to speak elephant, but I have one heck of a short cut for you. You can go to the website www.helloinelephant.com (and I am not kidding about this. It is absolutely real and look, you just learned something else today) and input terms that will be translated into elephant for you. Yeah, I know, it blew my mind too. So once you do this, go back and complete step 4, because I know for a fact you just jumped down to step 5 without finishing step 4 and your elephant is standing there, eating and shitting all over, just waiting for you to keep him or her happy, which takes you back to step 3. You really are doing a shitty job so far...haha, no pun intended with all that elephant dung...Oh, and when you go back to step 3 and follow up with step 4, make sure you skip over step 5 the next time or you will get caught in some weird, endless cycle and never get to step 6.
6. Start a dung business. I mean really, you have to pay for all the damn food the elephant....sorry, elephants are eating, so why not use the dung they are creating to make some money. Sell to farmers by the truck load...shit...
7. Buy a dung truck. Ok, so I realized that you can't sell dung by the truck load without a dung truck. You are not going to want to stink up your current vehicle, so you need to go out and purchase a truck that you can haul dung in. 300 pounds...oh shit, now it's 600 pounds a day because you have 2 elephants...that shit adds up quick, and that little apartment or even huge house of yours is going to be skunky as hell if you don't start getting rid of all this dung. What the hell were you thinking bringing two damn elephants into your house? Jesus, now buy a damn truck so you can haul some shit and get paid for it. Go back and repeat step 6 and then after your complete step 6 jump past step 7 or you will likely end up with several dung trucks and be really pissed at me.
8. Put your dung profits to good use. Your elephants are going to eat A LOT! Elephants eat around 16-18 hours a day and feed on vegetation (more freaking learning). Keep those shit trucks going out to farmers, because they will pay a premium for elephant dung. It beats the hell out of that cow dung...much better poo. Take the profits you make and put them back into the ridiculous amounts of food the elephants will need and into paying off and maintaining that smelly-ass truck you bought. Ok, now where was I? Oh, you weren't even breaking even, were spending all of your time feeding elephants and shoveling elephant shit (I am not making another step for this, but make sure you go out and buy a good shovel. You aren't going to want to move this poop by hand you know.), and you just want to get that first damn elephant into the refrigerator you purchased.
9. Buy an LED Refrigerator Light. It really is more beneficial to use LED lights now instead of the traditional incandescent bulbs we are all used to. If you put a new LED light into the refrigerator the elephant is going to enter, it will save you some good money each month on your electric bill, and the light will last a lot longer. Oh, while you are at it, buy an extra LED light for your human refrigerator. Shit, I just saved you tons of money in the long run. It's important to have a great light in the refrigerator, because if the elephant can't see the inside of the refrigerator well enough, it surely isn't going to go inside. That's simple logic people.
10. Put the elephant into the refrigerator. Ok, everything you have done so far has been to prepare yourself for what you are about to do. The visual impact of this step is such that you will likely want to get elephant number 2 to leave the room. Invite a few friends over to help. In order to remain part of the friend circle, you had better order some pizza and get some beer, because your friends are going to deserve it after the work is done. Have the refrigerator open fully and sitting in the corner of the room as to give the elephant no other option but to enter the refrigerator. Surround the elephant and begin leading it toward the open refrigerator. Ensure there is some fresh vegetation in the refrigerator so the elephant has some good snacks once he's inside. Once the elephant is right at the opening of the fridge, you are going to use that website to talk to the elephant and tell it to enter the fridge, while at the same time pushing as hard as you all can...F*CKING PUSH!!!!!
Now here we are. We have come to the end of the story; a story that has been completely ridiculous to the point it isn't believable at all. This story was filled with information that for a short period of time took your mind off of Donald Trump, Russia, the border, the Mueller Investigation, and everything else that has been killing our brains and causing us all to have headaches on a regular basis. It is important from time to time to escape from the politics that surround us and think about other things. Did the elephant get into the refrigerator? Hell no it didn't; Elephants are f*cking HUGE!
Right now our political world seems kind of like this story. As we go through it from day to day, it's like reading this story sentence by sentence. The more you experience of the Trump Presidency, the stranger and more unbelievable it gets. You ask yourself every day, "How in the hell has it gotten this bad?", and yet every day it gets worse. The good news is, Trump won't be around forever, and our country is far to strong to allow one sad, xenophobic, racist, egotistical, bigot to ruin it for all of us. He may resign at some point, he may get impeached, or he may spend the next 2 1/2 - 6 1/2 years as the President. No matter which of those things is true, The United States will survive and learn to thrive again.
So keep your heads up, have a voice, and take a vote to make a change.
I love all of you who have spent the time to read my blog for the first time (if this is the first time, you really need to read my other blog posts, because this one is nothing like what I normally write...lol) or if you read it on a regular basis. You are important to me, as without you, I would be speaking to myself. Thank you all, and it will be back to politics as usual with my next blog post. I am glad I could take your mind off of it all for a bit.
DUNK
What's the moral of this story?
I am going to break it up into easy to follow steps so that you can easily complete the task of getting an elephant into a refrigerator without error.
How to get an elephant into a refrigerator
Step-by-Step Instructions
1. Get an elephant. I know this may seem obvious to most of you, but I am going to go ahead and take the "lather, rinse, repeat" approach, because there are some people out there who just can't do anything unless you spell it out for them completely. You may find it difficult to get an elephant, especially if you live in a small apartment in a large city, but don't be a quitter. Find a way. Elephants may be fairly large, but think of it this way, a fully grown African Elephant can eat up to 300 pounds of food every day, and can also produce up to 300 pounds of dung each day. I'd worry more about the dung and food than I would about getting the elephant if I were you. See, there's a bright side. Getting the elephant is the best of the worst things about this entire journey you just embarked on.
2. Get a refrigerator. Yes, I am sure you already have a refrigerator, but I would like to recommend that you purchase a separate refrigerator into which the elephant you just got will enter. Otherwise your regular food and drink is likely to get consumed and/or destroyed by said elephant, and that would piss you off beyond belief. Being pissed off at a 12,000 pound elephant (Yes, you are still learning here. The average fully grown African elephant is about 12,000 pounds) is probably not the most advantageous choice to make in life. You really need to concentrate on keeping the elephant happy. Does that add another step to this process? Shit, I guess it does...
3. Keep the elephant happy. While writing this instruction manual on how to get an elephant into a refrigerator, I realized that one of the steps in the process really needs to involve keeping the elephant happy, because an unhappy elephant can cause quite a bit of damage to a home or an apartment. Keeping the elephant happy will involve keeping it fed, cleaning up its dung, giving it a watering hole to roll around in (I would not recommend your bathtub), and finding it a mate. Shit, did I just add another damn step to this process? Ugh....
4. Get another elephant. Ok, this step should really be easy because it's kind of a repeat of step one in a way, but with a twist. First, you need to find out what gender your original elephant is. Then talk to the original elephant and find out what they are really looking for in a mate. After all, this second elephant isn't for you, it is to keep your refrigerator entering elephant happy until you are ready to get the elephant into the refrigerator by following the few basic steps involved in the process. Oh crap, I said talk to the elephant didn't I? ...
5. Learn to speak elephant. This really should be step 4, as I identified in step 4 that you should talk to your original elephant to find out what type of elephant mate he or she wanted, but then I realized that you probably don't know how to speak to an elephant. So here we are, going to school to learn elephant. I swear this process is going to be so easy as long as you just follow along with it and don't skip any steps. It may take some time to learn how to speak elephant, but I have one heck of a short cut for you. You can go to the website www.helloinelephant.com (and I am not kidding about this. It is absolutely real and look, you just learned something else today) and input terms that will be translated into elephant for you. Yeah, I know, it blew my mind too. So once you do this, go back and complete step 4, because I know for a fact you just jumped down to step 5 without finishing step 4 and your elephant is standing there, eating and shitting all over, just waiting for you to keep him or her happy, which takes you back to step 3. You really are doing a shitty job so far...haha, no pun intended with all that elephant dung...Oh, and when you go back to step 3 and follow up with step 4, make sure you skip over step 5 the next time or you will get caught in some weird, endless cycle and never get to step 6.
6. Start a dung business. I mean really, you have to pay for all the damn food the elephant....sorry, elephants are eating, so why not use the dung they are creating to make some money. Sell to farmers by the truck load...shit...
7. Buy a dung truck. Ok, so I realized that you can't sell dung by the truck load without a dung truck. You are not going to want to stink up your current vehicle, so you need to go out and purchase a truck that you can haul dung in. 300 pounds...oh shit, now it's 600 pounds a day because you have 2 elephants...that shit adds up quick, and that little apartment or even huge house of yours is going to be skunky as hell if you don't start getting rid of all this dung. What the hell were you thinking bringing two damn elephants into your house? Jesus, now buy a damn truck so you can haul some shit and get paid for it. Go back and repeat step 6 and then after your complete step 6 jump past step 7 or you will likely end up with several dung trucks and be really pissed at me.
8. Put your dung profits to good use. Your elephants are going to eat A LOT! Elephants eat around 16-18 hours a day and feed on vegetation (more freaking learning). Keep those shit trucks going out to farmers, because they will pay a premium for elephant dung. It beats the hell out of that cow dung...much better poo. Take the profits you make and put them back into the ridiculous amounts of food the elephants will need and into paying off and maintaining that smelly-ass truck you bought. Ok, now where was I? Oh, you weren't even breaking even, were spending all of your time feeding elephants and shoveling elephant shit (I am not making another step for this, but make sure you go out and buy a good shovel. You aren't going to want to move this poop by hand you know.), and you just want to get that first damn elephant into the refrigerator you purchased.
9. Buy an LED Refrigerator Light. It really is more beneficial to use LED lights now instead of the traditional incandescent bulbs we are all used to. If you put a new LED light into the refrigerator the elephant is going to enter, it will save you some good money each month on your electric bill, and the light will last a lot longer. Oh, while you are at it, buy an extra LED light for your human refrigerator. Shit, I just saved you tons of money in the long run. It's important to have a great light in the refrigerator, because if the elephant can't see the inside of the refrigerator well enough, it surely isn't going to go inside. That's simple logic people.
10. Put the elephant into the refrigerator. Ok, everything you have done so far has been to prepare yourself for what you are about to do. The visual impact of this step is such that you will likely want to get elephant number 2 to leave the room. Invite a few friends over to help. In order to remain part of the friend circle, you had better order some pizza and get some beer, because your friends are going to deserve it after the work is done. Have the refrigerator open fully and sitting in the corner of the room as to give the elephant no other option but to enter the refrigerator. Surround the elephant and begin leading it toward the open refrigerator. Ensure there is some fresh vegetation in the refrigerator so the elephant has some good snacks once he's inside. Once the elephant is right at the opening of the fridge, you are going to use that website to talk to the elephant and tell it to enter the fridge, while at the same time pushing as hard as you all can...F*CKING PUSH!!!!!
Now here we are. We have come to the end of the story; a story that has been completely ridiculous to the point it isn't believable at all. This story was filled with information that for a short period of time took your mind off of Donald Trump, Russia, the border, the Mueller Investigation, and everything else that has been killing our brains and causing us all to have headaches on a regular basis. It is important from time to time to escape from the politics that surround us and think about other things. Did the elephant get into the refrigerator? Hell no it didn't; Elephants are f*cking HUGE!
Right now our political world seems kind of like this story. As we go through it from day to day, it's like reading this story sentence by sentence. The more you experience of the Trump Presidency, the stranger and more unbelievable it gets. You ask yourself every day, "How in the hell has it gotten this bad?", and yet every day it gets worse. The good news is, Trump won't be around forever, and our country is far to strong to allow one sad, xenophobic, racist, egotistical, bigot to ruin it for all of us. He may resign at some point, he may get impeached, or he may spend the next 2 1/2 - 6 1/2 years as the President. No matter which of those things is true, The United States will survive and learn to thrive again.
So keep your heads up, have a voice, and take a vote to make a change.
I love all of you who have spent the time to read my blog for the first time (if this is the first time, you really need to read my other blog posts, because this one is nothing like what I normally write...lol) or if you read it on a regular basis. You are important to me, as without you, I would be speaking to myself. Thank you all, and it will be back to politics as usual with my next blog post. I am glad I could take your mind off of it all for a bit.
DUNK
What's the moral of this story?
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